Why the Hyderabadi driver is better than Vettel and Hamilton

I am an avid follower and a huge fan of Formula 1 racing. Though there are many versions of auto racing like production car racing, GT championships, stock racing like NASCAR which is a rage in the US, with all due respect to all these, F1 has always taken the cake away for me with its impeccable attention to technological and mechanical detail, the endurance and skill of the driver, the pit team strategy and the sheer thrill of watching those mean machines streak across the track. Trust me, if you are an F1 fan you should watch a race in person and take in the sounds, smell and sights of the F1 cars when they scream past you making the hair on your neck stand and giving you goose-bumps. 

This would make you wonder about the title of this write-up. If it was framed as a question, it would be rhetorical and the answer would be a big fat “No”. Therefore, this is intended only as a satirical take on the traffic situation at Hyderabad or any Indian city for that matter. As they say “If you learn to drive in India, you can drive anywhere else in the world.” Whether you will be trusted to do so is an entirely different story.

Now what is so special about a Hyderabadi driver?

Let us begin at the starting grid of the F1 race. The F1 drivers neatly assemble in a grid at the starting point and streak away when all the starting lights illuminate and blink off. Well the Hyderabadi driver is different. Traffic line, zebra crossing, lane discipline etc do not form part of his vocabulary. If he was made to line up on an F1 track, he and the other members of his breed will crowd at the start line like hungry spectators in a gladiator match ready to jump into the ring. You as a spectator need to be careful, as you may find him with his vehicle right inside the viewing paddock if the grid line is ‘full’. Further, the lights do not decide when he vrooms off; he decides when the lights should blink off!

If you thought Seb or Hami (for the benefit of the uninitiated, those are the nicknames of Vettel and Hamilton) follow some of the best driving lines around the track then you have got it wrong. The Hyderabadi driver flows like water in a brook or a gust of wind in a valley, following the path of least resistance. If he sees an inch of space then doubt you not, he will stuff his vehicle into it. If the vehicle in the front slows down, he will inevitably barge into the adjacent lane without any warning. It doesn’t matter whether his grandpa is in his death throes in that adjacent lane; he WILL run him over!

Then there is the time penalty or drive thru’ penalty that an F1 driver has to contend with if he joins the main race by driving over the pit lane line. But the Hyderabadi driver gives a plug nickel’s worth to such meaningless rules when he joins the main road traffic from a by lane or street. He will take such a nonchalant turn onto the main road and such a wide one when he is at it, as if he was taxiing a 747 instead of his car that he will either grind the whole traffic to a halt or get mowed down by a truck driven by “another” Hyderabadi driver as his fate deems fit; and all this without even a single glance at the oncoming traffic. If you ask him how brash his ignorance of basic traffic rules is he would just say “Traffic rules ki maaki kirkiri” which roughly translates to “Traffic rules’ mother’s (kirkiri doesn’t have any specific meaning and is used to represent something utterly irritating)”. The traffic cops hovering at the junctions will generally not mess with the Hyderabadi driver in spite of this disruption as his wrangling skills generally supersede that of the cop.

There is also the matter of overtaking other vehicles on the road. Formula 1 drivers have state-of-the-art technology to assist them overtake other drivers on the track, like for example, DRS or Drag Reduction System where the rear wing on his car is moveable to reduce drag or KERS which stands for Kinetic Energy Recovery System where the energy on braking is stored and later converted to kinetic energy to give that extra thrust during overtaking. The Hyderabadi driver does not need such pitiful technology to overtake. In fact he would consider them as an insult to his driving skills. He will come by your side and slowly start edging towards you. That is the sign that he wants to overtake you and such manoeuvre maybe done at varying speeds depending upon your luck and how much paan the Hyderabadi driver had that morning. If you slow down, you will get home in one piece. If you do not, hallelujah!

Moving over to pit stops, the F1 drivers need to change their tyres atleast twice or as many as 3-4 times in a race and they have a fully equipped pit team to assist them in this job. But our Hyderabadi driver will simply get Rahim bhai from Ministry Road (that is where many car accessory showrooms and repair shops operate at Hyd) to patch up his tyres. That way he saves on the cost of the expensive and absolutely useless pit crew and their paraphernalia! What a waste of money right?

Finally, coming to the end of the race, Seb and Hami would be really happy to pass the guy with the Chequered Flag before anybody else does, thus signifying the end of the race. Well, our Hyderabadi driver would spit on the chequered flag and the guy holding it because nobody tells him when the race is over. He decides when the race is over! You may as well put a guy with a Shawarma stand in his stead.

In conclusion, I bet you would agree with me when I say the talented Seb and Hami and the Formula1 championship with its entire technology and glam quotient come nowhere close to the Hyderabadi driver and his Formula less maaki kirkiri!!!